Another year? Really? Already?

Can't quite believe its that time again,  the end of another year.  Its been a mixed one, should be able to say a mighty fine one but somehow there is no sparkle.  Maybe thats my problem, always looking for the sparkle and always expecting to be disappointed.
Ok so 2013, here's the stuff i want to achieve:

1) continue to bring my son up to the best of my ability so that he can develop into a lovely, kind and intelligent young man
2) settle into my new job - act professionally at all times, no gossip, no backchat in the office
3) make one or two new close friends, ideally other single mums

Doesn't sound too daunting now I've typed it!  Yesssssss, lets go for it x

Summer - time to think

Here we are in the Summer holidays again.  My favourite time of the year, its no contest.  Its so good to catch my breath, catch up with my son, my friends, the state of my house, and the state of my mind.
Its been a good few months, work is work, routine is routine and my son's happiness remains priority.  The Olympics have injected a great atmosphere into the nation.

Been seeing a guy.  He's decent.  A good bloke.  Seems it anyway.  What now?  Goodness knows.  Its been such a long time (if ever) since I was at this stage or felt this way that I've no idea how to behave, how to nurture this delicate relationship growing from goodness.  Sometimes we annoy each other.  When will I stop thinking that marks the end.  When will I be able to believe that actually days like that need to come to test and strengthen our relationship, to truly understand each other.  We are both still wary.  Lets hope we can successfully navigate our respective demons.

Spring is starting to smile

Its amzing this week how everyone has started to smile again, the longest darkest days seem to be disappearing as quickly and silently as they crept up on us and are being replaced by an air of hope, its still cool but without the harsh edge and it seems to touch everyone.
Things have been going well for this start to the year, my son continues to grow up and I do my best to guide him as he learns that life is sadly not always easy but there is plenty of opportunity for fun, even in short stolen moments.
I'm learning to fence, a sport I have long wanted to try and just knowing that I have begun that journey is enough to make me hold my head up high. I have opened myself up to opportunity and it seems that opportunities are now rushing to meet me - I love my new outward looking view on life and am excited by every fun, good and kind thing that happens.
I still have  lots of work to do but its not getting me down right now, I can get by without getting stressed which is an exciting prospect for the coming years.  Not sure how I got through the past two, house move, renovations, new career, but I've made it and it feeld good.  The garden is the next project - do I go for it all myself or shall i pay for a design and some work to get me started?  Thats the next lovely challenge that I want to address.  Such an exciting time though, nesting into our home.  Anyway thats enough for now, am off for some beauty sleep so that I wake with energy to take on and enjoy the world tomorrow :)

The New Year

Whilst Pirates of the Caribbean outwit each other in the back ground it seems like the time to reflect and look forward.  On paper 2011 should not have been as bad as it seemed.  The only troublesome event being the sharp exit of one flaky boyfriend.  The high points must include my son quickly becoming an amazing footballer and captain of his team, my completion of my first year teaching, my promotion at school, two fantastic holidays, one just me and my boy, the other with the whole family.  On paper it sounds a pretty amazing year.  My true new years resolution starting now is to not let that idiotic flaky ex-boyfriend to cast a miserable shadow on any more of my future.  I want to appreciate, enjoy and smile at every darn good thing that happens along the way in 2012.  Yes, if I could shift a few pounds then great, if I can cook better food then that would be nice, if I meet the man of my dreams then that would just be unbelievable but most importantly, every time something good happens i want to recognise it, celebrate it and have time to enjoy it.  Happy New Year to everyone, here's  to the best ever xxxxxx

Dark dank December

Well its been a while.  But then it has been the Autumn term and it has quickly dawned on me that this term will always be difficult, new names, new procedures, everything needs proper attention, a lot of the real learning has to take place in these short dark days.  Just 7 more teaching days to go before Christmas and I'm starting to be able to breathe again.  I can see the end.  The observations are over for this term.  One set of tests and hundreds of books are marked, next set of tests will land on my lounge floor next Friday.I'm on track for Christmas though, cards written, ready to be posted tomorrow - a stream lined list this year, if you receive one you're a true friend.  Most of the presents bought and even a slot found in my diary to wrap them.
Things are going well with son, I am so proud of him, I am amazed everytime I look at him.  I need to look after myself a little more - proper food and exercise would help.  Thats the new years resolutions sorted then.  This time last year I was getting ready for our Christmas holiday with the boyfriend and our new blended family - on the plane he picked an argument over nothing, I should have known at that moment that he wasn't the man I had thought he was.  Little did I know what a short length of time our relationship had left to run.  Has he thought about me since April?  I find it sad to think I'll never know.  I'm ok though.  He wasn't in love with me.  Not the real me.  Which was why i proved to be such a great disappointment to him.  He hadn't even discovered the real me.  I think I'm only just finding me, maybe he had no chance.

Sunshine, sleep and smiles

So Summer has finally arrived.  Not just in the warm sun, blue skies and long dry days but in the way I feel too.  I feel happier and healthier than I have for years (I can pinpoint the last time, it was early 2004, I was on an incredibly exotic holiday, I was drinking fabulous fruit cocktails and swimming daily, and unbeknown to me I had just become pregnant).  This time I'm certainly not pregnant - the certainty is just one of the benefits of my firmly single status - and nowhere exotic, simply at home in the Midlands with my gorgeous 6 year old son, and plenty of time for life.

End of term came as a relief, I had run on empty for so many months that I was surviving, not living.  This Summer is about me.  I don't mean brash neon coloured fun, I mean healthy natural all the time in the world taking pleasure from the world around me kind-of-fun.  And I've found it.  Its good.  And I've found me again, although I've changed a little bit.  I'm less sure, more aware of my lack of perfection, but more compassionate in every way.

My son is growing up every day, amazing me with his knowledge, his need to learn, his spirit.  I want to bottle up the feelings and the happiness we are having together, to keep us going through the dark months ahead.  I don't want to get into the same exhausted state as last year.  I will find time for my son and our life.  I will find time to be me.  Its going to be difficult but I will do it.

Why solace is serene

So I've alluded to it but not detailed it.  I was in love.  Deeply.  I considered him a integral part of my life.  I included him in everything.  I should have noticed he never did the same to me.  So on Tuesday 12th April he phoned 3 hours before he was due to come round and see me.  And also weirdly just 2 hours after he'd sent me an email saying how much he cared and how he was looking forward to seeing me.  So back to the phone call.  I was driving.  He asked me if I was alone and if I would pull over to talk, but said it wouldn't take long.  He told me it was over.  He hung up.  Three days later he'd posted my keys through the door.  I phoned him.  He hung up.  I left it a week and tried to phone again, I explained I wasn't trying to make him change his mind, that I just wanted to understand.  He hung up.  So thats it.  Life's easier  just me and son.  I have more time.  Its calmer.  But I don't understand and I still miss him.