The New Year

Whilst Pirates of the Caribbean outwit each other in the back ground it seems like the time to reflect and look forward.  On paper 2011 should not have been as bad as it seemed.  The only troublesome event being the sharp exit of one flaky boyfriend.  The high points must include my son quickly becoming an amazing footballer and captain of his team, my completion of my first year teaching, my promotion at school, two fantastic holidays, one just me and my boy, the other with the whole family.  On paper it sounds a pretty amazing year.  My true new years resolution starting now is to not let that idiotic flaky ex-boyfriend to cast a miserable shadow on any more of my future.  I want to appreciate, enjoy and smile at every darn good thing that happens along the way in 2012.  Yes, if I could shift a few pounds then great, if I can cook better food then that would be nice, if I meet the man of my dreams then that would just be unbelievable but most importantly, every time something good happens i want to recognise it, celebrate it and have time to enjoy it.  Happy New Year to everyone, here's  to the best ever xxxxxx

Dark dank December

Well its been a while.  But then it has been the Autumn term and it has quickly dawned on me that this term will always be difficult, new names, new procedures, everything needs proper attention, a lot of the real learning has to take place in these short dark days.  Just 7 more teaching days to go before Christmas and I'm starting to be able to breathe again.  I can see the end.  The observations are over for this term.  One set of tests and hundreds of books are marked, next set of tests will land on my lounge floor next Friday.I'm on track for Christmas though, cards written, ready to be posted tomorrow - a stream lined list this year, if you receive one you're a true friend.  Most of the presents bought and even a slot found in my diary to wrap them.
Things are going well with son, I am so proud of him, I am amazed everytime I look at him.  I need to look after myself a little more - proper food and exercise would help.  Thats the new years resolutions sorted then.  This time last year I was getting ready for our Christmas holiday with the boyfriend and our new blended family - on the plane he picked an argument over nothing, I should have known at that moment that he wasn't the man I had thought he was.  Little did I know what a short length of time our relationship had left to run.  Has he thought about me since April?  I find it sad to think I'll never know.  I'm ok though.  He wasn't in love with me.  Not the real me.  Which was why i proved to be such a great disappointment to him.  He hadn't even discovered the real me.  I think I'm only just finding me, maybe he had no chance.

Sunshine, sleep and smiles

So Summer has finally arrived.  Not just in the warm sun, blue skies and long dry days but in the way I feel too.  I feel happier and healthier than I have for years (I can pinpoint the last time, it was early 2004, I was on an incredibly exotic holiday, I was drinking fabulous fruit cocktails and swimming daily, and unbeknown to me I had just become pregnant).  This time I'm certainly not pregnant - the certainty is just one of the benefits of my firmly single status - and nowhere exotic, simply at home in the Midlands with my gorgeous 6 year old son, and plenty of time for life.

End of term came as a relief, I had run on empty for so many months that I was surviving, not living.  This Summer is about me.  I don't mean brash neon coloured fun, I mean healthy natural all the time in the world taking pleasure from the world around me kind-of-fun.  And I've found it.  Its good.  And I've found me again, although I've changed a little bit.  I'm less sure, more aware of my lack of perfection, but more compassionate in every way.

My son is growing up every day, amazing me with his knowledge, his need to learn, his spirit.  I want to bottle up the feelings and the happiness we are having together, to keep us going through the dark months ahead.  I don't want to get into the same exhausted state as last year.  I will find time for my son and our life.  I will find time to be me.  Its going to be difficult but I will do it.

Why solace is serene

So I've alluded to it but not detailed it.  I was in love.  Deeply.  I considered him a integral part of my life.  I included him in everything.  I should have noticed he never did the same to me.  So on Tuesday 12th April he phoned 3 hours before he was due to come round and see me.  And also weirdly just 2 hours after he'd sent me an email saying how much he cared and how he was looking forward to seeing me.  So back to the phone call.  I was driving.  He asked me if I was alone and if I would pull over to talk, but said it wouldn't take long.  He told me it was over.  He hung up.  Three days later he'd posted my keys through the door.  I phoned him.  He hung up.  I left it a week and tried to phone again, I explained I wasn't trying to make him change his mind, that I just wanted to understand.  He hung up.  So thats it.  Life's easier  just me and son.  I have more time.  Its calmer.  But I don't understand and I still miss him.

May - murky, marking and music

So we've made it to mid May.  May is my fvourite month of the year, its supposed to be great weather, carefree and the start of a jubilant, relaxed few months.  Its not quite working for me this year.  April stole May's weather.  Someone stole my boyfriend.  And the kids at school have done a load of tests that are now on my living room carpet waiting to be marked.  Hmmmm.  Maybe the May feeling might have to wait til late June this year.

Here goes

So today is the start.  For years, well since getting a bit drunk at a dinner party years ago (incidentally with a couple that are now long since divorced), I have vowed to write a book.  Well time and effort have worked against me so this is the quick fix solution.
So its Easter this weekend.  Although its Saturday today, awkwardly caught between Good Friday (never been sure why it was good for Christians?) and Easter Sunday.  The sun has been shining in the Midlands for around a month now.  I have that tingling feeling on the back of my neck that is due to a long bike ride during which I must have stared intently at the tarmac in front of me.  My son has freckles and a dirty brown face and its only April.  He goes away tomorrow with his Dad for 5 nights.  I'll miss him.  I'll miss his need for attention, his beautiful face and those lovely early morning and evening snuggles.
If I was to write a book what do I go for...non-fiction?  altho a book on maths eduction is, I suggest, unlikely to set the average person's heart racing.  chic lit?  my life has experienced enough heart break to even pretend that can be entertainment - but I'm sure there'll be more of that later.  deeper literature?  hmmmm I guess so but its going to have to be fun.  Fun to write.  Fun to read.  I'm still pondering.